FIRST REVIEW TROLL // GUEST POST

Today is something a little different. I was contacted by an author about making a guest post on my blog about their first review troll. What is a review troll you ask? It is someone who reviews and rates books without reading them. I, for one, think this is ridiculous. 

I have come across many false reviews while on goodreads and amazon, from people rating the book a 5/5 because they like the author or 1/5 because they dislike the author. This makes it harder for the author to hype their book up, it also makes it difficult for future readers. For someone like me who bases a lot of their judgment on wanting to read a book on the reviews, I may be missing out on something amazing because someone decided to troll the reviews. 

Take for example James Frey. No, I completely disagree with everything he has ever done. I don't support Full Fathom Five, and I think it's disgraceful that he faked his "autobiography". But if I had let that take control of my thoughts when it came to Endgame, I would have missed out on quite a good dystopian novel. (which I have read and enjoyed *review to come)

You have to remember that to an author their book is their baby. They put everything into their writings, so you can imagine the hurt when someone falsely rates their books "just because".

So today I am featuring author, Matt Abraham. 

So on to the Guest post!

MY FIRST REVIEW TROLL!  (Part 2, revenge)

For those of you who don't know, I got my first Amazon review troll this week and subsequently went through the following 3 stages... before exacting revenge. WARNING: this isn't for the squeamish, and if you're a follower or a personal friend I hope I don't lose you, or your respect. But sometimes we got to do what we got to do:

Stage 1: The Reaction

I'll admit, once I got my first review troll I was excited. But that quickly turned to rage. Who the hell gives a one-star rating without even reading the book? Trolls, that's who. So I decided not to take this lying down, I was going to hunt my troll. So I went on her Amazon page and looked at all the things she bought, and I kid you not I found her real name. I found her work place. I found her address and her email address. I even found a picture (don't look at me like that, I write detective novels, what did you expect?). Now the only question is, "What would I do with this information?" The answer is to scheme.

Stage 2: The Scheming

So as I lay in bed that night, scheming like a champ, I came up with three possible acts of vengeance:

1. Email her and avail myself to her human side, making my case politely, and asking her to take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I'd quote God or something.

2. Email her and threaten to cook her children if she didn't take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I'd quote God or something.

3. Join Ashely Madison and every swinger site there is under her real name, get a good following, then ask for dick pics and porn and give out her work address.

As you can imagine I chose to go with option 3. Does that make me a bad person?

Not at all...

Stage 3: The Execution

So the next morning I hopped back onto my Amazon page and looked up my troll. It was time to exact some sweet revenge. But here's the thing; right above her nefarious vitriol sat seven reviews from independent book bloggers, and each one was really kind. And I remembered how they made me feel, and that general happiness outweighed my righteous anger. It also reminded me of the old saying in fiction: everybody's the main character of their own story. So what kind of main character did I want to be? A villain, or a hero?

I knew the answer. So I put my dreams of revenge aside.

But I still needed closure. And then it hit me, and I smiled as I pressed 'edit' and added Dorothy A's comments to my editorial reviews. So now when you visit Dane Curse's Amazon page you'll see this:

             Editorial Reviews

"Written with intelligent humor, easy dialogue, and an action-packed storyline, Dane Curse is a must-read." - Please Pass The Books

"Five stars... Filled with lots of action and humour, and will keep you engaged and entertained." - Jael's Reviews

"One Star- I didn't read it..." - Dorothy A. (AKA Muffiemae)

Yeah, that just feels right.

And... The Obligatory Moral

I learned a few things from the past few days of self-torment. The first is that if you fight fire with fire you just end up with more fire, and lowering yourself like that won't make you feel better. The second is that the bullies of the ether should be afraid. It's getting easier and easier to discover their identities, which lets us show the rest of the world the kind of people they really are. And finally, revenge may be a dish best served cold, but justice served with a smile and a pinch of irony is a hell of a lot more fun to eat.

Matt Abraham currently lives in China with his criminally insane cat Durden, his beautiful one-month-old son Kal, and his supportive wife Jenny. If you’d like more information on his (mostly) critically acclaimed novel Dane Curse you can contact him at authormattabraham@gmail.com or visit him at danecursepi.wordpress.com. Or just write to say hi, he loves that.

Dane Curse

If you lose a black cape, and can’t go to the cops, then you come to me because that’s what I do. I’ve been in the game for years. I know all the curves and all the angles, and if it gets rough then so be it, I got plenty strength, I’m double tough, and I never quit. And if need be I’ll pull my artillery to get you some answers, because I don’t care about the mistakes you’ve made or how you chose to live your life, sometimes even the unjust deserve a little justice. 

At least that’s how it was before a mysterious murder threatens to plunge Gold Coast City into a super-powered war unless I find the killer in five days' time. But getting to the truth won’t be so easy. I’ll have to face ruthless black capes with secrets to hide, a powerful government agency bent on national expansion, and even teams of white caped heroes whose intentions are less than pure. 

No easy task for a small-time PI, so I’ll need every bit of my strength and guts if I’m going to find the killer, save my city, and maybe even get some justice for the greatest hero the world has ever known. 

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